I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Did you pee in the oven last night??
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
