I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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