I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
