I can't breathe out the right side of my face
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
