I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
