remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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