Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
