If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm always down for nudity.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
