My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
