Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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