Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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