I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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