I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
