Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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