I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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