I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I could make wine with my vomit
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
