So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
