It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
