um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
and i looked up. we had an audience...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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