Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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