so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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