Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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