we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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