Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
