is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
