Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I am naked and annoyed.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
