Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
My pussy is not your playground.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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