I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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