I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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