I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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