a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
