Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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