come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
