If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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