someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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