I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
