I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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