At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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