Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
