I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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