so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
