She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize