I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
