oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
