I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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