Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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