Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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