Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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