next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
