I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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