remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
