After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Drake has all the answers
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
