thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
