Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
