Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
