I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
