Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
