glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My feet surprised me
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
