the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
